6bit Obit
/Reed Hofer
Reed Kirkpatrick Hofer (May 16 2000—December 18 2080)
F A T H E R | H U S B A N D | P R E S I D E N T
NOWHERESVILLE, NE—Early on Wednesday morning, December 18th, Reed Kirkpatrick Hofer, the 50th President of the United States, died surrounded by family in his western Nebraska ranch, aged 80, of a pulmonary embolism. Mr. Hofer had a well-documented history of this in his family, his paternal grandmother Barb Hofer dying of the same following a stroke on Mr. Hofer’s second birthday in 2002. Dustin Hofer, his paternal uncle, passed away from a pulmonary embolism resulting from physical inactivity after intensive brain surgery in 2016. Both Mr. Hofer’s grandmother and uncle were overweight at their time of death, a factor Mr. Hofer worked to avoid during his adult life (sporadically at best).
In an interview given prior to his inauguration in January 2053, Mr. Hofer commented on his exercise endeavors as a young adult. “Y’know, as a freshman, I lived on the Dodge Campus of UNO. Making the jaunt on over to the gym in the dead of winter wasn’t what I considered to be a worthwhile activity.” When pressed by a correspondent over the frequency of his physical activity during this time (2018-2019), Mr. Hofer stated the following: “Once or twice every couple of months. Dedication wasn’t at the forefront of my mind, y’know, with schoolwork and all.” Mr. Hofer maintained a healthy lifestyle throughout his life, though constant insecurities were raised over his physical disability, cerebral palsy. On the campaign trail, Mr. Hofer admittedly used his disability as a crutch, his campaign managers believing it would bolster an
FDR-esque image. Mr. Hofer’s memoirs from 2045, collected in the book Dank Memes and Tangerines (the book, though it initially fell out of print, went through numerous editions throughout his presidency), discuss a time from 2010 in his fourth grade class when his mother, Jenny Winkler Hofer, attended class to discuss Mr. Hofer’s disability to his classmates. The insecurities Mr. Hofer felt were described in the following section:
“All in a circle we sat. My mother had me take off my shoes and brace, flaunting them to the class like recovered booty from the sea. Fortunately, my classmates didn’t shudder or (at least outwardly) think differently towards me. As my own sphere of involvement increased (jobs at fast food restaurants and grocery stores and college), I met more individuals like me, and judgement slowly abated.”
Mr. Hofer’s comfortability in himself proved a boon for elected offices, as he rapidly ascended to the presidency. (The Times will provide a complete analysis on Mr. Hofer’s administration and presidential legacy in the coming days). In an interview given shortly after he announced his campaign for president, Mr. Hofer had this to say about his interest in American politics:
“When I was a toddler, I had a placemat I’d use when I was eating. This placemat wasn’t big, mind you, but it had the faces of every president from Washington to George W. Bush on it. I didn’t know who these men were, nor the great significance and implications of their policies and ideologies. But what I did know was that they were admirable, that the position they held was one of a privileged few. When I was five or six, I received a kids book on the presidents, with at least a paragraph devoted to each one. I became enraptured in this group, and have known for the forty-five years since then that I would occupy that office.”
Mr. Hofer held a steady course as president, and as members of both parties would continuously commented, “[Mr. Hofer] never rocked the boat.” Nothing daring or particularly of note marks an obvious point for a brief analysis of his presidency. Mr. Hofer played his cards close to his chest, and without a second term, any possible plans were thrown to the wayside, as Mr. Hofer entered into a lengthy retirement. Like the exercise of his youth, Mr. Hofer would sporadically volunteer and engage in charity work, though remained guarded in western Nebraska.
Funeral arrangements are scheduled to commence in the coming days. A private service will be held for immediate family, followed by Mr. Hofer’s coffin lying in state at the U.S. Capitol. A televised public service will be held at the U.S. National Cathedral in Washington, D.C. Mr. Hofer will be laid to rest at the Reed K. Hofer Presidential Library in Omaha, NE. Mr. Hofer requested five years ago that in place of traditional funeral hymns, the studio recording of Metallica’s 1986 instrumental “Orion” play at the National Cathedral Service. More information on the funeral service schedule is available here.
Reed Kirkpatrick Hofer (May 16 2000—March 14 2067)
“It is well that war is terrible else we grow too fond of it.” —Robert E. Lee
ELMWOOD GOLF COURSE—Notorious corporate lawyer Reed K. Hofer died this afternoon of a heart attack, aged 66, while playing a round of golf with prospective clients. Over the years Mr. Hofer had earned the reputation of a ruthless and cold-blooded character assassinator, probing every facet of all the cases and courtrooms he found himself involved in. Married and divorced three times, Mr. Hofer’s slogan of “You can always trust a family man!” proved contradictory, to say the least, in accordance with his personal life. Mr. Hofer is quoted throughout the years as struggling with insecurities in romantic endeavors, choosing instead to fix anger against those who were in conflict with his clients.
In recent years, Mr. Hofer found himself in the seat he had placed so many others: that of accusations of a corrupt and malformed character. Bribery charges of government officials were filed in 2055 and 2061. Though Mr. Hofer was able to successfully exonerate himself, the damage was done for his enterprise. His three children disowned him last year in 2066, admonishing his familial characters of the past few decades. Mr. Hofer had, especially in his high school years, expressed a vigilant attitude towards the downtrodden and egregious policies that faced the day, culminating in his speaking at a March for Our Lives rally as a high school senior in 2018, and participating in student government while at UNO. His children issued a single-sentence statement in the hours after his death: Where did the boy go?
Mr. Hofer, though holding considerable assets, did not draw up a last will and testament, aside from banning his children from receiving anything. It appears, in the humble opinion of this writer, that the last vestige of humanity that Mr. Hofer had was severed through this final and encompassing act. The funeral plans are not set, and forthcoming details from his survivors are likely to be vague.
Reed Kirkpatrick Hofer (May 16 2000—May 16 2025)
“God becomes man becomes fish becomes barnacle goose becomes featherbed mountain.” —James Joyce
I-80 REST STOP—The body of one Reed Hofer was found at a rest stop off of I-80 between Omaha and Lincoln yesterday morning. Mr. Hofer died of an apparent suicide, with a yard hose found running from his exhaust pipe through to the driver side window. Mr. Hofer is a local yet nationally known writer, primarily in the mode of magazine articles. Obtaining his BS from UNO in 2021, Mr. Hofer abandoned any career paths that his Political Science major could have afforded him, instead choosing to pursue a passion for writing. Though strained with overlong sentiments, his writings came to appear in such publications as The New Yorker and Harper’s Weekly. From 2023 to the present day, Mr. Hofer came under sharp criticism as his prose grew increasingly dogmatic and volatile, stringing thinly reviewed and thought-out political statements together.
In trying to bow out from the crisis, Mr. Hofer returned to a fictional story he had written as a pre-teen called Five. A narrative of five teenagers who become employees of a federal agency, Mr. Hofer hoped the publication of the novel would mark great success in a new genre. Though the book became a brief bestseller, it was ravaged by critics, some labeling it as “...pugnacious...” “...adolescent...” and “...wholly insipid.” As one critic remarked, “Mr. Hofer’s talents seem to have started and finished before his 12th birthday. I won’t venture into a psycho-analytical critique of the author himself, but I dare say that his lustful fantasizations as a pre-teen stayed with him through this blustering novel’s publication. If Mr. Hofer is to show his worth to the American literary community, he must evolve past this stupidity.”
Mr. Hofer, as his lawyer revealed, had been concealing massive debt for three years, his stringent spending during his college years seeming to come undone at the seams once he graduated. During his time at the University of Nebraska Omaha, particularly in 2018 and 2019, a conscious effort was made to reign in his online barbs and lashes, a far cry for what would become a reality just a few short years later. Additionally, Mr. Hofer had most collegiate payments provided free of charge due to various scholarships and employments, an ironic turn from future years. Mr. Hofer is survived by two younger sisters and his parents, whom he never publicly acknowledged in major interviews.
...
7th-Grade Student (May 16 2000—February 19 2013)
“Be Kind” —Jesus said that once didn’ he?
OMAHA—A 7th-grade student from Beadle Middle School was found dead of an apparent suicide Friday. The student, who will not be identified by family and school officials, had been facing continuous bullying and sexual harassment from select classmates over the course of the semester. Though the student mentioned their thoughts with another, this second student chose not to disclose the information until after the student in question died. The principal, Mr. John Southworth, indicated that the community ought to hold its head high, and move on, noting: “This type of behavior has no tolerance in our system. Therefore we must come together and pray for the family and pray for ourselves MaYbE aCTuAlLy Do SoMeThIn FeR fUcKs SaKe the best we can do is hope that the better principles that govern our decisions can be adhered to We DoNt CaRe AbOuT dEaD cHiLdReN there is so much to look to in one another Kiss my ass be inspired, be intriguing, be kind! The deceased was certainly all that. Kiss his ass Say it with me now: be kind, be kind, be kind!” Kiss your ass.
Edit & Correction: In an earlier edition of the above article, a World-Herald employee altered the copy text and inserted a hatred fueled diatribe against Mr. Southworth. Unfortunately, staff editors were not able to delete the insertion before first publication on February 21st. The World-Herald sincerely apologizes for these offensive comments. The matter regarding the employee will be handled internally.
Reed Kirkpatrick Hofer (May 16 2000—October 17 2009)
“Narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.” —Matthew 7:14
OMAHA—A sprawled and ghastly scene met residents of Armbrust Acres in the early hours of the afternoon Saturday. Reed Hofer, 9, was struck and killed by a car while riding his Razor scooter. Passerbys say the boy rode the scooter in the same pattern for nearly an hour, starting at the bottom of a steep hill that constitutes Oak Circle. Making his way up along the hill, the boy is said to have sped down to the bottom on the opposite side. Witnesses claim this occurred multiple times. His parents have requested that neighbors respect their privacy, though when pressed for comment as to why their son would do such a thing, they merely shrugged their shoulders. The boy seemed to emanate a fascination with residents from the previous year, as his long sojourns to extreme corners of the neighborhood and testing of scooter-skill on his family’s driveway indicated the start of what can only be described as inevitable.
Road and sanitation crews were successful following the resolution of the crime scene at cleaning up and delivering the remains of the boy to the morgue for closer inspection and autopsy. The intersection of Oak Cr. and 163rd St., where the accident occurred, was scheduled to be repaved around Spring 2010, and will most likely remain so, as colder weather sets in. Sanitation crews were not able to successfully remove the entirety of the bloodstain that resulted from the child’s torso injury. Road crews have confirmed this stain will remain until the spring, in which the intersection will be completely revitalized and updated.
Unnamed Infant (May 16 2000—May 18 2000)
[Cremated—No Headstone]
OMAHA—On Thursday, Methodist Hospital suffered its first nursery death in three years. The child, decidedly unnamed by parents Jenny and Kirk Hofer, had had a stroke in utero. Doctors on the case estimated that in a few years time, this stroke could’ve been shown evident through a mild case of cerebral palsy. Instead, the stroke proved fatal, as the infant was rendered into a breech position, necessitating Caesarean section. Once extracted, the child’s umbilical cord was wrapped around its neck, rapidly cutting off oxygen circulation. The child was placed in an incubator, where it later died, only two days old. The couple was hopeful for this birth, as they had been trying to conceive for multiple years but to no avail. As Jenny Hofer simply and tearfully put it, “...we just hoped this could work.” The baby will be cremated, the ashes given to the young parents to dispose of as they please.
Author’s Commentary: In "6Bit Obit" my inspiration came directly out of where I viewed myself in life: a crossroads. One path could take me in one direction, while another could lead on to a vastly different landscape. I compiled these "potential futures" and made them into a reality check observation: just how could I die in each of these future paths? I also turned around, seeing the road behind me, and marking the divots along the way where I could've died in the past. What would my legacy be if I had died before I truly discovered what my purpose was in life? For the record, I'm still searching for that meaning.
Reed Hofer is a second year undergraduate student at the University of Nebraska at Omaha studying Political Science and English. His hobbies including reading (currently enraptured by Dickens), watching films (Scorsese never disappoints), and playing the drums. This is his first piece published in the Roanoke Review.
